Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Very Special Coordinated Content

Bullets over Bethlehem

EXT. OUTSIDE OF A BANK AT AN ATM
Jesus, Brett, Mary, Paul, and Rob are using the ATM, Brett puts his card in the slot. A second passes then Brett hits the ATM.

BRETT
Shit

PAUL
What?

BRETT
The fucking ATM took my card.

PAUL
They can do that?

BRETT
Apparently this one does.

JESUS
I bet if Super Jesus was here he'd get it out. Hey Rob, I think I left something In the car, come with me.

Jesus and Rob exit.

MARY
He's not doing it again is he?

PAUL
What an asshole.

BRETT's card slides out.

BRETT
Oh look. ( He pulls the card and puts it in his wallet) Fuck this ATM

JESUS and ROB re-enter the scene, Jesus has tied a cape around his polo shirt, and ROB has a rather large bling around his neck and a do-rag on his head.

JESUS
I heard you were having a problem with this ATM

MARY
Why do you do this shit?

JESUS
I have no idea what you're talking about.

BRETT
You just tied a cape around your polo shirt. What the hell Rob, a do-rag?

ROB
Yo, Its DJ Cool Rock homie. I don't know no Rob.

PAUL
Whatever, we got his card back so take that shit off and lets go.

JESUS
You're a little tense Paul.(pause) Oh yes I know your name.

PAUL
Of course you do, we've known each other for ten years.

JESUS
You need a drink.

Jesus produces a caraffe of water and a wine glass he pours the water into the glass where it becomes wine. BRETT, MARY, and PAUL walk away.

BRETT
What an asshole.

Screen goes black, credits roll with awesome Jesus theme song.


INT. JESUS' LIVING ROOM.
JESUS is sitting on an ottoman while ROB stands above him. ROB is dressed like a boy scout with a large hat and shorts. Both have large backpacks on. ROB pats the back of JESUS' pack. The living room is filled with camping stuff, like a tent.

ROB
Alright, you're ready to go

JESUS tries to stand up. ROB comes over and grabs his arm to pull him up. When JESUS is standing erect, he promptly falls over. He lays on the ground, struggling to get up from under the massive backpack.


JESUS
I think its to heavy.

ROB comes over

ROB
Let's lighten the load a little ( he pulls a toothbrush from the backpack.)There we go.

JESUS manages to free himself from under the backpack.

JESUS
Hey why do I have to carry everything anyways.

ROB
Its simple some of us are born owls and some of us are born mules, guess which one you are.

JESUS
If I'm a mule then I must be one of them owl killing mules, come here.

He grabs ROB in a headlock.

UNCLE BANKS
O.K

JESUS releases ROB from the headlock. UNCLE BANKS and GEOFFRY come down the stairs and enter the living room.

UNCLE BANKS
We're gonna hike in just below Limestone Falls, the we're gonna raft down to Rocky Point, and spend our last night at Two Arches.

JESUS
Them arches better not be golden.

UNCLE BANKS
Don't worry on this trip its just us and the elements ( laughs) We're gonna be roughing it like frontiersmen.

GEOFFRY
Oh incidently the limosiene will be here to pick you up at dawn.

UNCLE BANKS
(Slaps his legs) Great !!(stands up) I'm gonna go stuff my fanny pack.


GEOFFRY
(looks on as UNCLE BANKS enters the kitchen) looks like someone already beat him to it.

MARY enters carrying a sleeping bag

MARY
I brought your sleeping bag. ( She walks over and kisses JESUS)

JESUS
Thanks baby.

MARY
Boy look at all this stuff.

ROB
Yeah we believe in being prepared

MARY
For what?

ROB
You know bad weather, snakes, global thermal nuclear war, a hippie jam band festival, you know.

JESUS
I tried to tell puny the bear that this was too much stuff

ROB
Don't call me that.

JESUS
(Picks up piece of wood) I mean why are we taking this?

ROB
Hello, campfire.

JESUS
Rob, I'm telling you, I'm not carrying all this stuff. Whats this dumb box for.

ROB
That's not a box it a raft. It seats six.

JESUS
How many Uncle Phils (pause) Wait you mean you expect me to believe that there's raft in this box.

ROB
Yes but whatever you do don't............(JESUS pulls a cord on the side of the box and the raft inflates. He falls backwards onto the tent.)....pull the cord.

JESUS
Damn!! There was a raft in that box.

END SCENE

FADE IN, OUTSIDE A BRICK WALL WITH AN ATM. JESUS and ROB approach the ATM

JESUS
It ain't my fault your stupid hurricane lamp got broken.

ROB
It you wouldn't have inflated the raft it wouldn't have fallen over.

JESUS
Well, I'll pay you for it the stupid thing couldn't have been worth more than sixty dollars. ( he gets money from the ATM).

ROB
It had a built in bug zapper and it cost eighty

JESUS
We'll I'm only paying sixty for it.

ROB
Eighty

JESUS
Sixty

ROB
Eighty

JESUS
Sixty

ROB
Eighty

JESUS
Sixty


ROB
Eighty!

JESUS
Eighty!

ROB
Sixty!

JESUS
You got a deal daffy.(hands ROB the money)

ROB
Cute (takes the money) Tell you what I'll take the sixty and get the rest of the money from your wages at the peacock.

They walk away.

ROBBER( off screen)
Let's have the money, c'mon, c'mon.

JESUS
Alright it's cool dude, Rob, give him the money.

ROB hands the money to the robber

JESUS
Hey looks that's all we got man.

ROB
I got some more in my wallet.( Reaches for his back pocket).

ROBBER
Get you're hands out of your pockets.

JESUS
Rob , no! ( JESUS pulls ROB back)

Close up on the gun firing.

END SCENE

EXT HOSPITAL

INT WAITING ROOM

Many people are mulling about. HILLARY is harrassing a nurse about JESUS' sheets and cable.
MARY walks over to ROB who is sitting by a door looking dejected.

MARY
Rob, do you want to talk about it?

ROB
He was aiming at me.

UNCLE PHIL walks around the corner. Everyone rushes up to him

UNCLE PHIL
I talked to the doctor JESUS is in stable condition, the bullet was very close to the spine but they got it.( Looks up whistfully) They got it. ( he nods his head).

MARY 2( JESUS@S MOM)
Thank god!

UNCLE PHIL
Well, there's the possibility that there may be some nerve damage, but let's pray that there isn't. They're gonna move him to a private room

MARY 2
Can we see him?

UNCLE PHIL
I made a deal and we can see him but we have to go home immediately afterward.

MARY 2
Why?

UNCLE PHIL
Well apparently we're driving the nursing staff crazy.

Camera pans to ROB sitting on the chair looking down. A single tear falls down his face.

INT JESUS' HOSPITAL ROOM

MARY 2 enters the room she walks softly to JESUS and kisses his cheek.

MARY 2
Hey baby.

JESUS
(Waking up) Hey mom you ain't have to come all the way out here.

MARY 2
Stop it, I'm just glad that you're OK.

JESUS
Just think, I moved out here from Philly >cuz we thought it was too dangerous.

The rest of the family enters and greets and hug JESUS. When Ashley hugs him he screams In pain the yells APsyche!@ They stand around his bed.

JESUS
Hey don't be looking at me like that you know no little bullet's gonna stop me. I;m th e motherfucking son of god! ( he starts hacking and coughing) However I will be doing my bnking from now on. Knowing my luck I'll run into a disgruntled postal worker

UNCLE PHIL
Are you in pain son.

JESUS
Well, it's not as bad as the last time Geoffry cooked chili, or when I tried to quit heroin cold turkey.

Stunned silence

JESUS
Psyche!!

Everyone laughs.

GEOFFRY
(Holds up a brown paper sack.) Then I guess you won't be wanting this.

Everyone laughs again

ROB
I can't believe that you all think that this is some kind of joke. Don;t you realize what happened, Jesus took a bullet for me. He saved my life.

UNCLE PHIL
He save all our lives

ROB
I'm not talking about that, Tonight he saved my life

JESUS
I did? I was just tryin to get the hell out the way.

ROB
Jesus stop it I don't think it's funny

JESUS
You gotta have a sense of humor about this, this kind of stuff happens all the time

ROB
That's the problem it happens all the time

ROB exits the room, eveyone looks concerned. UNCLE PHIL follows him, stops at the door

UNCLE PHIL
I'm gonna go talk to him

UNCLE PHIL walks out the door. ROB is at the evlevator

UNCLE PHIL
Son, where are you going

ROB
I don't know. (Pause) I'm going for a walk.

UNCLE PHIL
Rob, its after midnight. I don't need something to happen to you too.

ROB
Well, these things just happen, right?

UNCLE PHIL
Rob, I know you're upset, you've been through a very traumatic experience. Now if you just calm down we can talk about this rationally.

ROB
You;re always in control aren;t you. Always know what to do, always know what to say. Well you know what gets me? The police aren't even going to get this guy, and even if they do, so what? He'll be out on the streets in six months.

UNCLE PHIL
That's not going to happen

ROB
Come on dad. It's happened to people you've put away.

UNCLE PHIL
The legal system isn't perfect

ROB
Go talk to Jesus about our legal system! Its such a joke people aren't even afraid of it!

The elevator opens and ROB walks inside. UNCLE PHIL holds the door.

UNCLE PHIL
Rob, I'm frustrated too. But as a judge I have to have faith in it, no matter how much I want to go knock some heads.(pause) Eventually the system will come through

ROB
I'm a grown man, dad. Don't tell me anymore fairytales.

The elevator door closes

END SCENE
EXT A OLD RUN DOWN BRICK BUILDING
ROB and his friend JUWAN are standing outside
ROB
This the place?

JUWAN
I told you dogg, my boys would find that bitch. Good luck boy.

They thug-hug. ROB pulls a ski mask over his head.

JUWAN
You get in trouble, you holla at your boys. We be there in a second.

ROB
(A tear falls down his face, pounds his chest.) Thanks dogg.
INT A BARREN APARTMENT.

A skinny white guy is sitting on an old couch. He is tying a tube around his arm and holding a syringe. Suddenly the door breaks down. ROB enters holding the gun.

ROB(yelling)
Get down. Get the fuck on the floor!

He grabs the white guy by the back of the head and pulls him to the ground.The white guy is hysterical.

ROBBER
What do you want?

ROB

Did you rob some niggers tonight?

ROBBER
What?

ROB
(Putting the gun to the ROBBER's chin, yelling) Did you rob some niggers tonight,

ROBBER
No! No I didn't

ROB
(Pulls off ski mask) Do I look familiar bitch!

ROBBER
(Hysterica) NO... I mean yes..I mean sorry

ROB
I want my sixty bucks back

ROBBER
I don't have it!

ROB
You spent all my motherfucking money already. On what drugs? You aren't even fit to suck my dick. Open your mouth

ROBBER
N-n-noooo please, I've got a son, we're going to the lake on Saturday

ROB
I said open your motherfucking mouth.(ROB hits the ROBBER on the back of his head with the back of the gun. The ROBBER opens his mouth, tears down his face. ROB sticks the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger.

END SCENE

EXT HOSPITAL

INT JESUS HOSPITAL ROOM

JESUS trashing around in his bed moaning and calling ROB's name
Mary come over to comfort him

JESUS

I'm glad you're here

Time passes MARY is sleeping on a chair covered in a blanket. JESUS is sitting upright watching TV an laughing. The door opens and a nurse enters

NURSE
Morning! Time for breakfast.

JESUS
Shhh! (Motioning to the sleeping Mary)

NURSE
Oh sorry. Isn't it a bit hard to follow that show with the sound off.

JESUS
Oh no, I know all these joints by heart. Check it out this is what's happening. ( INSERT LINES FROM THIS EPISODE OF FRESH PRINCE)

NURSE
You're good.

JESUS
That's nothing you should see my Webster.

MARY
(Waking Up) What exactly do you want her to see.

JESUS
Hey what's up Mary, you rested.

MARY
I must've been tired

JESUS
Uh huh, you was talking in you;re sleep last night. You always dream about Chaka Zulu

They Laugh. ROB enters the room. He knocks on the door.

ROB
Hi

MARY
Hi Rob!

JESUS

Hey what's up man. I'm glad you came back.

Awkward silence. Mary goes to the nurse

MARY
Can you show me where I can get some coffee

NURSE
Sure

MARY and the NURSE exit.

JESUS
So what's up man, you gonna be alright

ROB
I still cant get over it JESUS. If you hadn;t pushed me out of the way that bullet would've gotten me.

JESUS
Well not necessarily. I mean even if you stood right in front of me, he could've hit me from the belly button up.

ROB
I'm totally in you're debt.............again

JESUS
C'mon man you don't owe me nothing.

ROB
Yes I do. If you ever need anything, anything its yours.

JESUS
You could talk to Uncle Phil about maybe sliding me into his will. Or a handjob.

ROB
Actually my father and me aren't seeing eye to eye right now. I feel like everything he ever said to me was a lie.

JESUS
C'mon rob that's a little hard don't you think.

ROB

I >ve spent my whole life following the rules, but then some maniac pulls a gun and all the rules change. Well I'm sick of being a follower, Sick of being a victim .I'm gonna start makin' some rules.

ROB walks away

JESUS
Rob wait.(ROB stops) Give me a hug.

ROB
What?

JESUS
I said give me a hug. A brother gets shot he gets a little emotional. Now get over here and give me some love.

They hug. For a long time .When they let go, JESUS pats the front of ROB

JESUS
What is that?

ROB
It's a gun

JESUS
Rob are you out of your mind man. You walkin' around carrying a gun, what do you think you're going to do with that.

ROB
It's for protection

JESUS
Whoa, Whoa, you think it;s that easy for you to just shoot somebody.

ROB
I closed my eyes.

JESUS
What

ROB
I closed my eyes.( He turns around and tips over the breakfast cart spilling food everywhere)

JESUS
I was gonna eat that man.


ROB
Everything is a damn joke to you.

JESUS
So what you don't think I'm mad. Hmm. I'm layin' up in this hospital an inch away from being paralyzed. You don;t think I want to get out of this bed and go catch that asshole.

ROB
That's not going to happen again. Not to me.

JESUS
Rob, rob, I understand that you're scared man. But the world can be a scary place.You just gotta learn to deal with it alright.

ROB
Well I found my way. ( he lifts the jacket up)

JESUS
That's not you man. That's them.

LONG PAUSE

ROB
Look I didn't come here for you're approval. I came here to see how you were.I;m out of here.

JESUS
Rob.....

ROB
No more hugs, Jesus.

JESUS
I saved your life man. I saved your life. YOU OWE ME!!! Now give me the gun Rob. I save your life. I want the gun!!

Rob walks over to the bed and drops the gun on the bed by Jesus' feet.

ROB
I'm done with it anyways.

He leaves the room. Jesus picks up the gun and empties the bullets onto the bed. He covers his face with his hands. It is very poignant.

END SCENE

INT A ROOM WITH ALL THE CAST.
Jesus is sitting is a chair surrounded by the cast.

JESUS
Hey gang. You know we like to have a lot of fun here on the Adventures of Super Jesus
but life isn't all fun. That's why we brought you tonight's very special episode.

ROB
That's right kids. TV may make guns seem like a glamorous way to solve you problems or coerce a whore into doing anal. But guns are not toys. The decision to end someone's life is not a snap desicion. One must consider the consequences, and weigh the pros and cons before busting a cap in some punk's ass.

SATAN
Remember to be safe and responsible with guns. Guns aren't the only way to solve you problems.

JESUS
Thanks for joining us tonight. Tune in next week for a very special episode in which Mary gets an abortion..............................hopefully..............................................god I hope she does.
END

______________
This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, Eli Z. McCormick and Miriam Allred of Modern Revelation!, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Davey Morrison, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, Sven Patrick Svensson of Sadness? Euphoria?, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Vengeance'.

3 Comments:

Blogger Demon Pual said...

what the fuck this doesn't make any goddamn sense

10:05 PM  
Blogger Logan said...

Dude this was so special

11:52 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

It's so fucking hilarious that I'm actually crying.

7:19 PM  

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