Abortion!

If insipidity had a patron saint it would surely be Fergie.

First of, let me start by discussing a topic who’s boat has most certainly sailed, especially given the flashbulb memory of pop culture.

My Humps is quite possibly the worst song ever written, but I’ll say this for it, it's funny. Not in the way good things are funny, or things that mean to be funny, or even things that are so bad they’re funny. It’s indescribably funny, like watching something horrible. Horror is a good word for what My Humps inspires. Horror that someone could actually write the line “what’cha gonna do wit’ all that breast ? All that breast inside your shirt,” and not blush with embarrassment afterwards.

My Humps reduces almost all forms of human courtship into a bling-for-lumps (or is it humps?) exchange. Completely degrading, and insulting. Not to mention the fact that lumps are the most un-sexy descriptor for a woman’s body ever. It makes me think of gravy and my brother think of cancer. Both of which are decidedly un-sexy.

But no, Fergie seemed to feel the need to top this. Her new single, London Bridge, makes My Humps seem quaint by comparison. Atonal, amelodic, and banal to the point where it eradicates the concept of pop music having any meaning or redeeming qualities, and not in a good way.

If Fergie had talent, I would think that maybe she was trying to write the worst song ever, to see if it were possible to make something so bad that it makes people physically ill. No, bitch is a hack. She can’t dance, she can’t sing (London Bridge contains about three seconds of discernable melody), and she isn’t even that good looking. (Sorry to use appearance as an evaluator of someone, but in her line of work, pop-star/entertainer, looks are definitely part of the package.) London Bridge strives to ape Hollaback Girl. They both have junkyard beats and chanted lyrics, but Hollaback Girl was dumb fun. London Bridge is just dumb.

Does she think she’s being empowering? Coy? Coquettish?

I don’t know what the fuck she thinks. I could write a lengthy digression on how this song will most assuredly be embraced by stupid people everywhere. I don’t pray, but if I did, I would pray that young girls don’t look up to Fergie as inspiration or role model or whatever. Even godless heathens should pray that she get what she deserves and becomes a footnote in the history of popular culture.

But this song is an abortion.