Thursday, January 15, 2009

The History of the Vice Cats

In 1986 Aldous Worthington, an evangelical entrepreneur with a penchant for moralizing1, grew disgusted with the debauchery he saw around him. Combining forces with J. Marsh Jones2, a high ranking member of the Department of Justice, he sought to do something about the filth and depravity that he saw his beloved America descending into. Using top secret technology, they created a crack team of anthropomorphized cats to combat the whores, the pimps, the drug dealers, the junkies, the pornographers, the socialists, the fornicators and all other servants of Satan3. Thus the Vice Cats were born.
They consisted of Drake4, the noble leader who embodied all the principles of America5. Meowmir6, the fiercest of the Vice Cats, and also the brooding loner of the group. Kewpie7, the token female. Maynard8, the comic relief and Brizz9 the whizz10 kitten. Their adventures where documented in an immensely popular Saturday morning cartoon show. Some parents felt that the show was shallow and overly moralizing11, though a petition to take the show off the air proved unsuccessful. Through it's three and a half seasons the Vice Cats battled all manner of foes, ranging from the nefarious Pimp Bitchbreaker12, the homosexual ninja clan Rooster13, and Senator Patrick Leahy14. Mid-way through 1989, in an effort to balance the budget and cut unnecessary government expenditures, the Vice Cats program was dissolved. The cartoon show was then subsequently canceled.
The Vice Cats attempted to press on independent of the government, working as private investigators in Rhode Island. They found it harder without government funding15 and soon permanently disbanded, each one going their separate ways. In 2004 the remaining Vice Cats reunited on VH1's I Heart the 80's Super Redux Explosion16. While no acrimony remained between them, the declined VH1's offer to star in their own reality show, instead opting to return to the lives they had each managed to create for themselves. Though some regard the Vice Cats as a symbol of oppressive Christian moralizing, may children remember them fondly.

1. Ironically, Worthington was arrested in 1997 for soliciting from an undercover male cop. He reportedly requested that the officer pull the wad of dollar bills that were to be used as payment from Mr. Worthington's buttock, among other lude acts.

2. Whose appellate court nomination was contested on the basis of him being a horrible person, though an admittedly good father and passionate lover.

3. Homosexuals

4. After the Vice Cats disbanded, Drake attempted to join the military, but was denied because he wasn't old enough (though the government technology accelerated their aging, his birth certificate still said he was only 5). He joined the police force in Providence, RI and is currently a lieutenant.

5. Truth, liberty and small government.

6. Unbeknownst to the Vice Cats and all involved, Meowmir suffered from crippling depression. In 1992 he took his own life.

7. After unsuccessful attempts to launch a modeling or singing career, Kewpie became a prostitute. She currently earns six figures as a call girl for customers with unusual fetishes (specifically Furries)

8.Maynard has enjoyed bit of a renaissance of late, appearing in guest roles and cameos in several movies. In 1999, he was cast as Dexter in Quintin Tarentino's Double Death, a role that garnered him much acclaim (including a Golden Globe nomination). He continues to act to this day.

9.Brizz went to MIT and graduated top of his class, he is currently working on alternative energy research.

10. In a puntacularly lame recurring joke, Brizz wet himself once every episode.

11. Some feel that the show was so over the top with its moralizing that it had to be satire.

12. Pimp Bitchbreaker had a 1996 hit single with his song "Run Dem Hoes". He was later implicated in the murder of Tupac Shakur, but was never formally charged.

13. The clan was actually called The Cock, but the name was changed to appease the network censors.

14. D-Vermont

15. And high-tech jets

16. Featuring Carrot Top and a thoroughly bizzare commentary on New Order.

This post is an installment in a continuing series of content coordinated by theme or motif with posts from Enoch Allred of Chiltingham, John Allred of clol Town, Jon Fairbanks of Funkadelic Freestylings of Another Sort, John D. Moore of Whatnot Studios, Joseph Schlegel of Sour Mayonnaise, and William C. Stewart of Chide, Chode, Chidden. This week's theme: 'Vice'.


Blogger Logan said...


Although, I really must object to the footnote-shtick.

7:51 PM  
Blogger Yarjka said...

The only things more awesome than Vice Cats are footnotes.

10:38 PM  
Blogger Ideas Man, Ph.D. said...

The delightful discovery of co-ordinated content might make me pee my pants every episode.

6:25 AM  

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